Whoa. After a slightly hopeful week, I've dipped into yet another low. Cognitively, I know this is just a mood swing. Yet, I can't help the flood of depression and frustration that is upon me at the moment.
Husband flirts aggressively with me yesterday and today. Of course, he picks the most inopportune time to do it.
I was incredulous as he presents to me an ap on his phone that predicted my period would start yesterday! WTF?!?!? Was he charting my periods? Why don't I have this ap? Why the F does HE have this ap? My ever present suspicious mind immediately draws the conclusion that he tracks it to document that we have fights during the same time each month. This information kept to bolster his claim that I am INSANE and hormonal, just in case it comes up in divorce court or something.
He claimed some lame excuse that he kept it to be extra careful around me when I was ovulating, so that I would not get pregnant. LOLOLOLOLOL!!!! How does one get pregnant when one does not have sex?????????????????????????????????????????
Asshoooooole!
Well, I pushed all that out of my mind for the sake of giving it a chance. So, I flirt back and ask straight out, "Do you want to make out?" Dude ran out of the room. I kid you not. He literally found some excuse to get a glass of water and mumbled something about one of the kids, jumped up from the bed and ran out of the room!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Make Believe You're Brave, and the Trick Will Take You Far
This process is bringing to the surface, long buried memories from my past. As I was filling out the Gottman questionnaire, it would hit me in waves. Amazing clarity of these memories is both fascinating and frightening. I'm remembering things as if they happened yesterday. Complete with the physical effects! How can this be? What an amazing thing the human brain is!
I'm remembering things, not only from my "dark ages," that is the times immediately after the birth of my first son, when I was between the ages of 17 and 20. I was tested to the limits of my being, having to deal with new motherhood and an unfaithful, drug addicted, alcohol abusing boyfriend/husband. I am also remembering things from my far away youth!
I remember when I was about 8 or 9 years old. I had a petrifying fear of being by myself anywhere outside my house. I felt uncomfortable and near panic even standing in our front yard with no one else there with me. I remember distinctly being filled with dread when I was in the car as it was parked in our driveway. My dad and I were going somewhere and we had both gotten in the car together. My dad suddenly remembered something he had to go back into the house for. He left me in the car alone, while he ran in to get it.
I was in a total panic. When he returned, he found me in a rage and crying uncontrollably. He apologized for leaving me alone, even if it was just barely a minute. I was overcome with waves of relief that he was there and anger at him for having left me alone in the first place. It was immediately following that I saw the movie "The King and I" on TV. One of the numbers was a song about courage, and it inspired me. I told myself that I would try to overcome this fear of being left alone.
I was only 9 years old, but I embarked on a mission of "self help," in which I would deliberately expose myself to situations in which I would have to be alone. I was determined to go through the experiences to practice exercising "courage." It seems so silly now, but I wanted to see if I could start by pretending to be brave and then expose myself to frightening situations and surviving them.
I used the song as a guide for my self-inflicted cognitive behavioral therapy.
Whenever I feel afraid
I hold my head erect
And whistle a happy tune
So no one will suspect
I'm afraid.
While shivering in my shoes
I strike a careless pose
And whistle a happy tune
And no one ever knows
I'm afraid.
The result of this deception
Is very strange to tell
For when I fool the people
I fear I fool myself as well!
I whistle a happy tune
And ev'ry single time
The happiness in the tune
Convinces me that I'm not afraid.
Make believe you're brave
And the trick will take you far.
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are
I whistle a happy tune
And ev'ry single time
The happiness in the tune
Convinces me that I'm not afraid.
Make believe you're brave
And the trick will take you far.
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are....
This belief system helped me to overcome my irrational fear of being left alone anywhere. It totally worked and I went on to be 10 years old and fearless. In some twisted way, it also caused me to be destructive to my current marriage. I was working under the same belief system based on inaccurate information. For so long, I assumed that my husband, in this my 3rd marriage, had the same M.O. as my first husband.
This important difference was lost on me for so long. My husband now is not a selfish, and cruel person that takes pleasure in seeing me miserable. He is not intimidated by my intelligence and independence and strength, the way my first husband was. In fact, my husband now is extraordinarily proud of those very traits in me. Yet, I somehow equated him with my first husband whenever I felt vulnerable or angry.
My work is to first recognize the reality of any situation with my husband and not to project unhealed injuries from my past to infiltrate their way into our current issues. Then, I have to work on building, rather than destroying or cutting and running as soon as things get frustrating.
This is my work and it will be a long haul.
I'm remembering things, not only from my "dark ages," that is the times immediately after the birth of my first son, when I was between the ages of 17 and 20. I was tested to the limits of my being, having to deal with new motherhood and an unfaithful, drug addicted, alcohol abusing boyfriend/husband. I am also remembering things from my far away youth!
I remember when I was about 8 or 9 years old. I had a petrifying fear of being by myself anywhere outside my house. I felt uncomfortable and near panic even standing in our front yard with no one else there with me. I remember distinctly being filled with dread when I was in the car as it was parked in our driveway. My dad and I were going somewhere and we had both gotten in the car together. My dad suddenly remembered something he had to go back into the house for. He left me in the car alone, while he ran in to get it.
I was in a total panic. When he returned, he found me in a rage and crying uncontrollably. He apologized for leaving me alone, even if it was just barely a minute. I was overcome with waves of relief that he was there and anger at him for having left me alone in the first place. It was immediately following that I saw the movie "The King and I" on TV. One of the numbers was a song about courage, and it inspired me. I told myself that I would try to overcome this fear of being left alone.
I was only 9 years old, but I embarked on a mission of "self help," in which I would deliberately expose myself to situations in which I would have to be alone. I was determined to go through the experiences to practice exercising "courage." It seems so silly now, but I wanted to see if I could start by pretending to be brave and then expose myself to frightening situations and surviving them.
I used the song as a guide for my self-inflicted cognitive behavioral therapy.
Whenever I feel afraid
I hold my head erect
And whistle a happy tune
So no one will suspect
I'm afraid.
While shivering in my shoes
I strike a careless pose
And whistle a happy tune
And no one ever knows
I'm afraid.
The result of this deception
Is very strange to tell
For when I fool the people
I fear I fool myself as well!
I whistle a happy tune
And ev'ry single time
The happiness in the tune
Convinces me that I'm not afraid.
Make believe you're brave
And the trick will take you far.
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are
I whistle a happy tune
And ev'ry single time
The happiness in the tune
Convinces me that I'm not afraid.
Make believe you're brave
And the trick will take you far.
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are....
This belief system helped me to overcome my irrational fear of being left alone anywhere. It totally worked and I went on to be 10 years old and fearless. In some twisted way, it also caused me to be destructive to my current marriage. I was working under the same belief system based on inaccurate information. For so long, I assumed that my husband, in this my 3rd marriage, had the same M.O. as my first husband.
This important difference was lost on me for so long. My husband now is not a selfish, and cruel person that takes pleasure in seeing me miserable. He is not intimidated by my intelligence and independence and strength, the way my first husband was. In fact, my husband now is extraordinarily proud of those very traits in me. Yet, I somehow equated him with my first husband whenever I felt vulnerable or angry.
My work is to first recognize the reality of any situation with my husband and not to project unhealed injuries from my past to infiltrate their way into our current issues. Then, I have to work on building, rather than destroying or cutting and running as soon as things get frustrating.
This is my work and it will be a long haul.
Phoenix
From X-Men, The Final Stand:
Jean Gray is the most powerful mutant ever known. Like Charles Xavier, her teacher and mentor, she can manipulate the very laws of physics. Xavier spent years harnessing and controlling her power through a form of CBT. It resulted in a split personality for Gray. The waking self was known as the mild mannered Dr. Jean Gray with powers that always seemed just a bit outside her total control. Jean Gray was the part of the personality constantly in the pursuit of meaning and love. The suppressed self was known as Phoenix. It contained only raw power and was ruled only by animal instinct and the pursuit of pleasure and power.
In the last movie installment of X-men, written by Stan Lee, creator of X-men and many other Marvel Comics characters, there is an epic battle for control, in which Phoenix is employed by dark forces. Unfortunately for the dark forces, Phoenix proves to be out of their control. She becomes an ultra-lethal force that consumes and destroys everything in her path. Phoenix is barely held in check by the faint murmurings of Jean Gray. Throughout the movie there is an internal battle for control of the human body that both Gray and Phoenix inhabit. The inner battle is as epic and intense as the external war raging around them.
The one mutant with the potential to rescue Jean from the dominance of Phoenix, is Wolverine. He bears a deep love for Jean and is gifted with the unique ability to heal almost instantaneously from any injury. In addition, he was retrofitted with a "adamantium" skeleton. Adamantium is purported to be the strongest, most indestructible material in the universe. Who better then, to face the Phoenix? His mission is to get close enough to Phoenix to make and emotional connection that will bring Jean to the waking surface. Once there, he hopes that Jean can regain control and make Phoenix stop her wave of utter destruction.
In the scene, Wolverine must go through the proverbial gauntlet. He faces Phoenix and must endure waves of her destructive force. His skin burns away, and is immediately healed, only to be sheared away again as he ever so slowly gains inches closer to Phoenix. Once he is within hearing distance, he shouts to Jean and professes his eternal love and loyalty to her. He fights with every bit of emotional and physical strength he has trying to ignore the waves of hate and destruction that Phoenix is hurtling in his direction.
As he is almost close enough to touch her, a glimmer of Jean is seen in Phoenix's eyes. For a moment the raging apocalypse eases and Wolverine is able to reach Jean to hold her in his arms. In a moment of utter surrender, both Wolverine and Jean are encompassed in eachothers embrace. Phoenix is gone. All her destructive force is suddenly ended and there is a palatable peace that settles over everything. For one powerful moment, Jean has defeated the dark force within her using the love she shares with Wolverine.
Tragically, the battle has destroyed the human body that held Jean and Phoenix. Jean, enveloped in the love of Wolverine, breathes her last.
This powerful imagery, is what I use now to illustrate the battle I am fighting for the soul of my husband and my marriage. My husband's true self is Jean Gray and the addict self is the destructive Phoenix. Right now, I am in the midst of the addicts powerful waves of destruction. The addict knows nothing but self-preservation and the loyalty to the pursuit of power and pleasure. He will destroy all that stand in his way.
I am Wolverine. Armed with only the emotional strength that I've built for myself and the love I have for this man. I feel the pain of every attack and it nearly destroys me each time. However, I am determined to weather whatever destruction addict has in his arsenal. I know I can overcome it and finally reach my husband and envelope him in our love. Together, we can destroy addiction.
I know this will be an epic battle. It will require everything I possess to even attempt. My true husband is buried deep within, but I see glimmers of him and it give me hope and fills me with happiness. This hope and happiness is what I need to build my emotional bank account with. It has to be there to sustain me throughout the darkest hours, which I know are upon me and will be hitting me on and off throughout this endeavor.
If there is an element that is superior to adamantium, that, I know, is what MY soul is made of. So, life... BRING IT!
Jean Gray is the most powerful mutant ever known. Like Charles Xavier, her teacher and mentor, she can manipulate the very laws of physics. Xavier spent years harnessing and controlling her power through a form of CBT. It resulted in a split personality for Gray. The waking self was known as the mild mannered Dr. Jean Gray with powers that always seemed just a bit outside her total control. Jean Gray was the part of the personality constantly in the pursuit of meaning and love. The suppressed self was known as Phoenix. It contained only raw power and was ruled only by animal instinct and the pursuit of pleasure and power.
In the last movie installment of X-men, written by Stan Lee, creator of X-men and many other Marvel Comics characters, there is an epic battle for control, in which Phoenix is employed by dark forces. Unfortunately for the dark forces, Phoenix proves to be out of their control. She becomes an ultra-lethal force that consumes and destroys everything in her path. Phoenix is barely held in check by the faint murmurings of Jean Gray. Throughout the movie there is an internal battle for control of the human body that both Gray and Phoenix inhabit. The inner battle is as epic and intense as the external war raging around them.
The one mutant with the potential to rescue Jean from the dominance of Phoenix, is Wolverine. He bears a deep love for Jean and is gifted with the unique ability to heal almost instantaneously from any injury. In addition, he was retrofitted with a "adamantium" skeleton. Adamantium is purported to be the strongest, most indestructible material in the universe. Who better then, to face the Phoenix? His mission is to get close enough to Phoenix to make and emotional connection that will bring Jean to the waking surface. Once there, he hopes that Jean can regain control and make Phoenix stop her wave of utter destruction.
In the scene, Wolverine must go through the proverbial gauntlet. He faces Phoenix and must endure waves of her destructive force. His skin burns away, and is immediately healed, only to be sheared away again as he ever so slowly gains inches closer to Phoenix. Once he is within hearing distance, he shouts to Jean and professes his eternal love and loyalty to her. He fights with every bit of emotional and physical strength he has trying to ignore the waves of hate and destruction that Phoenix is hurtling in his direction.
As he is almost close enough to touch her, a glimmer of Jean is seen in Phoenix's eyes. For a moment the raging apocalypse eases and Wolverine is able to reach Jean to hold her in his arms. In a moment of utter surrender, both Wolverine and Jean are encompassed in eachothers embrace. Phoenix is gone. All her destructive force is suddenly ended and there is a palatable peace that settles over everything. For one powerful moment, Jean has defeated the dark force within her using the love she shares with Wolverine.
Tragically, the battle has destroyed the human body that held Jean and Phoenix. Jean, enveloped in the love of Wolverine, breathes her last.
This powerful imagery, is what I use now to illustrate the battle I am fighting for the soul of my husband and my marriage. My husband's true self is Jean Gray and the addict self is the destructive Phoenix. Right now, I am in the midst of the addicts powerful waves of destruction. The addict knows nothing but self-preservation and the loyalty to the pursuit of power and pleasure. He will destroy all that stand in his way.
I am Wolverine. Armed with only the emotional strength that I've built for myself and the love I have for this man. I feel the pain of every attack and it nearly destroys me each time. However, I am determined to weather whatever destruction addict has in his arsenal. I know I can overcome it and finally reach my husband and envelope him in our love. Together, we can destroy addiction.
I know this will be an epic battle. It will require everything I possess to even attempt. My true husband is buried deep within, but I see glimmers of him and it give me hope and fills me with happiness. This hope and happiness is what I need to build my emotional bank account with. It has to be there to sustain me throughout the darkest hours, which I know are upon me and will be hitting me on and off throughout this endeavor.
If there is an element that is superior to adamantium, that, I know, is what MY soul is made of. So, life... BRING IT!
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