Whoa. After a slightly hopeful week, I've dipped into yet another low. Cognitively, I know this is just a mood swing. Yet, I can't help the flood of depression and frustration that is upon me at the moment.
Husband flirts aggressively with me yesterday and today. Of course, he picks the most inopportune time to do it.
I was incredulous as he presents to me an ap on his phone that predicted my period would start yesterday! WTF?!?!? Was he charting my periods? Why don't I have this ap? Why the F does HE have this ap? My ever present suspicious mind immediately draws the conclusion that he tracks it to document that we have fights during the same time each month. This information kept to bolster his claim that I am INSANE and hormonal, just in case it comes up in divorce court or something.
He claimed some lame excuse that he kept it to be extra careful around me when I was ovulating, so that I would not get pregnant. LOLOLOLOLOL!!!! How does one get pregnant when one does not have sex?????????????????????????????????????????
Asshoooooole!
Well, I pushed all that out of my mind for the sake of giving it a chance. So, I flirt back and ask straight out, "Do you want to make out?" Dude ran out of the room. I kid you not. He literally found some excuse to get a glass of water and mumbled something about one of the kids, jumped up from the bed and ran out of the room!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Make Believe You're Brave, and the Trick Will Take You Far
This process is bringing to the surface, long buried memories from my past. As I was filling out the Gottman questionnaire, it would hit me in waves. Amazing clarity of these memories is both fascinating and frightening. I'm remembering things as if they happened yesterday. Complete with the physical effects! How can this be? What an amazing thing the human brain is!
I'm remembering things, not only from my "dark ages," that is the times immediately after the birth of my first son, when I was between the ages of 17 and 20. I was tested to the limits of my being, having to deal with new motherhood and an unfaithful, drug addicted, alcohol abusing boyfriend/husband. I am also remembering things from my far away youth!
I remember when I was about 8 or 9 years old. I had a petrifying fear of being by myself anywhere outside my house. I felt uncomfortable and near panic even standing in our front yard with no one else there with me. I remember distinctly being filled with dread when I was in the car as it was parked in our driveway. My dad and I were going somewhere and we had both gotten in the car together. My dad suddenly remembered something he had to go back into the house for. He left me in the car alone, while he ran in to get it.
I was in a total panic. When he returned, he found me in a rage and crying uncontrollably. He apologized for leaving me alone, even if it was just barely a minute. I was overcome with waves of relief that he was there and anger at him for having left me alone in the first place. It was immediately following that I saw the movie "The King and I" on TV. One of the numbers was a song about courage, and it inspired me. I told myself that I would try to overcome this fear of being left alone.
I was only 9 years old, but I embarked on a mission of "self help," in which I would deliberately expose myself to situations in which I would have to be alone. I was determined to go through the experiences to practice exercising "courage." It seems so silly now, but I wanted to see if I could start by pretending to be brave and then expose myself to frightening situations and surviving them.
I used the song as a guide for my self-inflicted cognitive behavioral therapy.
Whenever I feel afraid
I hold my head erect
And whistle a happy tune
So no one will suspect
I'm afraid.
While shivering in my shoes
I strike a careless pose
And whistle a happy tune
And no one ever knows
I'm afraid.
The result of this deception
Is very strange to tell
For when I fool the people
I fear I fool myself as well!
I whistle a happy tune
And ev'ry single time
The happiness in the tune
Convinces me that I'm not afraid.
Make believe you're brave
And the trick will take you far.
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are
I whistle a happy tune
And ev'ry single time
The happiness in the tune
Convinces me that I'm not afraid.
Make believe you're brave
And the trick will take you far.
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are....
This belief system helped me to overcome my irrational fear of being left alone anywhere. It totally worked and I went on to be 10 years old and fearless. In some twisted way, it also caused me to be destructive to my current marriage. I was working under the same belief system based on inaccurate information. For so long, I assumed that my husband, in this my 3rd marriage, had the same M.O. as my first husband.
This important difference was lost on me for so long. My husband now is not a selfish, and cruel person that takes pleasure in seeing me miserable. He is not intimidated by my intelligence and independence and strength, the way my first husband was. In fact, my husband now is extraordinarily proud of those very traits in me. Yet, I somehow equated him with my first husband whenever I felt vulnerable or angry.
My work is to first recognize the reality of any situation with my husband and not to project unhealed injuries from my past to infiltrate their way into our current issues. Then, I have to work on building, rather than destroying or cutting and running as soon as things get frustrating.
This is my work and it will be a long haul.
I'm remembering things, not only from my "dark ages," that is the times immediately after the birth of my first son, when I was between the ages of 17 and 20. I was tested to the limits of my being, having to deal with new motherhood and an unfaithful, drug addicted, alcohol abusing boyfriend/husband. I am also remembering things from my far away youth!
I remember when I was about 8 or 9 years old. I had a petrifying fear of being by myself anywhere outside my house. I felt uncomfortable and near panic even standing in our front yard with no one else there with me. I remember distinctly being filled with dread when I was in the car as it was parked in our driveway. My dad and I were going somewhere and we had both gotten in the car together. My dad suddenly remembered something he had to go back into the house for. He left me in the car alone, while he ran in to get it.
I was in a total panic. When he returned, he found me in a rage and crying uncontrollably. He apologized for leaving me alone, even if it was just barely a minute. I was overcome with waves of relief that he was there and anger at him for having left me alone in the first place. It was immediately following that I saw the movie "The King and I" on TV. One of the numbers was a song about courage, and it inspired me. I told myself that I would try to overcome this fear of being left alone.
I was only 9 years old, but I embarked on a mission of "self help," in which I would deliberately expose myself to situations in which I would have to be alone. I was determined to go through the experiences to practice exercising "courage." It seems so silly now, but I wanted to see if I could start by pretending to be brave and then expose myself to frightening situations and surviving them.
I used the song as a guide for my self-inflicted cognitive behavioral therapy.
Whenever I feel afraid
I hold my head erect
And whistle a happy tune
So no one will suspect
I'm afraid.
While shivering in my shoes
I strike a careless pose
And whistle a happy tune
And no one ever knows
I'm afraid.
The result of this deception
Is very strange to tell
For when I fool the people
I fear I fool myself as well!
I whistle a happy tune
And ev'ry single time
The happiness in the tune
Convinces me that I'm not afraid.
Make believe you're brave
And the trick will take you far.
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are
I whistle a happy tune
And ev'ry single time
The happiness in the tune
Convinces me that I'm not afraid.
Make believe you're brave
And the trick will take you far.
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are....
This belief system helped me to overcome my irrational fear of being left alone anywhere. It totally worked and I went on to be 10 years old and fearless. In some twisted way, it also caused me to be destructive to my current marriage. I was working under the same belief system based on inaccurate information. For so long, I assumed that my husband, in this my 3rd marriage, had the same M.O. as my first husband.
This important difference was lost on me for so long. My husband now is not a selfish, and cruel person that takes pleasure in seeing me miserable. He is not intimidated by my intelligence and independence and strength, the way my first husband was. In fact, my husband now is extraordinarily proud of those very traits in me. Yet, I somehow equated him with my first husband whenever I felt vulnerable or angry.
My work is to first recognize the reality of any situation with my husband and not to project unhealed injuries from my past to infiltrate their way into our current issues. Then, I have to work on building, rather than destroying or cutting and running as soon as things get frustrating.
This is my work and it will be a long haul.
Phoenix
From X-Men, The Final Stand:
Jean Gray is the most powerful mutant ever known. Like Charles Xavier, her teacher and mentor, she can manipulate the very laws of physics. Xavier spent years harnessing and controlling her power through a form of CBT. It resulted in a split personality for Gray. The waking self was known as the mild mannered Dr. Jean Gray with powers that always seemed just a bit outside her total control. Jean Gray was the part of the personality constantly in the pursuit of meaning and love. The suppressed self was known as Phoenix. It contained only raw power and was ruled only by animal instinct and the pursuit of pleasure and power.
In the last movie installment of X-men, written by Stan Lee, creator of X-men and many other Marvel Comics characters, there is an epic battle for control, in which Phoenix is employed by dark forces. Unfortunately for the dark forces, Phoenix proves to be out of their control. She becomes an ultra-lethal force that consumes and destroys everything in her path. Phoenix is barely held in check by the faint murmurings of Jean Gray. Throughout the movie there is an internal battle for control of the human body that both Gray and Phoenix inhabit. The inner battle is as epic and intense as the external war raging around them.
The one mutant with the potential to rescue Jean from the dominance of Phoenix, is Wolverine. He bears a deep love for Jean and is gifted with the unique ability to heal almost instantaneously from any injury. In addition, he was retrofitted with a "adamantium" skeleton. Adamantium is purported to be the strongest, most indestructible material in the universe. Who better then, to face the Phoenix? His mission is to get close enough to Phoenix to make and emotional connection that will bring Jean to the waking surface. Once there, he hopes that Jean can regain control and make Phoenix stop her wave of utter destruction.
In the scene, Wolverine must go through the proverbial gauntlet. He faces Phoenix and must endure waves of her destructive force. His skin burns away, and is immediately healed, only to be sheared away again as he ever so slowly gains inches closer to Phoenix. Once he is within hearing distance, he shouts to Jean and professes his eternal love and loyalty to her. He fights with every bit of emotional and physical strength he has trying to ignore the waves of hate and destruction that Phoenix is hurtling in his direction.
As he is almost close enough to touch her, a glimmer of Jean is seen in Phoenix's eyes. For a moment the raging apocalypse eases and Wolverine is able to reach Jean to hold her in his arms. In a moment of utter surrender, both Wolverine and Jean are encompassed in eachothers embrace. Phoenix is gone. All her destructive force is suddenly ended and there is a palatable peace that settles over everything. For one powerful moment, Jean has defeated the dark force within her using the love she shares with Wolverine.
Tragically, the battle has destroyed the human body that held Jean and Phoenix. Jean, enveloped in the love of Wolverine, breathes her last.
This powerful imagery, is what I use now to illustrate the battle I am fighting for the soul of my husband and my marriage. My husband's true self is Jean Gray and the addict self is the destructive Phoenix. Right now, I am in the midst of the addicts powerful waves of destruction. The addict knows nothing but self-preservation and the loyalty to the pursuit of power and pleasure. He will destroy all that stand in his way.
I am Wolverine. Armed with only the emotional strength that I've built for myself and the love I have for this man. I feel the pain of every attack and it nearly destroys me each time. However, I am determined to weather whatever destruction addict has in his arsenal. I know I can overcome it and finally reach my husband and envelope him in our love. Together, we can destroy addiction.
I know this will be an epic battle. It will require everything I possess to even attempt. My true husband is buried deep within, but I see glimmers of him and it give me hope and fills me with happiness. This hope and happiness is what I need to build my emotional bank account with. It has to be there to sustain me throughout the darkest hours, which I know are upon me and will be hitting me on and off throughout this endeavor.
If there is an element that is superior to adamantium, that, I know, is what MY soul is made of. So, life... BRING IT!
Jean Gray is the most powerful mutant ever known. Like Charles Xavier, her teacher and mentor, she can manipulate the very laws of physics. Xavier spent years harnessing and controlling her power through a form of CBT. It resulted in a split personality for Gray. The waking self was known as the mild mannered Dr. Jean Gray with powers that always seemed just a bit outside her total control. Jean Gray was the part of the personality constantly in the pursuit of meaning and love. The suppressed self was known as Phoenix. It contained only raw power and was ruled only by animal instinct and the pursuit of pleasure and power.
In the last movie installment of X-men, written by Stan Lee, creator of X-men and many other Marvel Comics characters, there is an epic battle for control, in which Phoenix is employed by dark forces. Unfortunately for the dark forces, Phoenix proves to be out of their control. She becomes an ultra-lethal force that consumes and destroys everything in her path. Phoenix is barely held in check by the faint murmurings of Jean Gray. Throughout the movie there is an internal battle for control of the human body that both Gray and Phoenix inhabit. The inner battle is as epic and intense as the external war raging around them.
The one mutant with the potential to rescue Jean from the dominance of Phoenix, is Wolverine. He bears a deep love for Jean and is gifted with the unique ability to heal almost instantaneously from any injury. In addition, he was retrofitted with a "adamantium" skeleton. Adamantium is purported to be the strongest, most indestructible material in the universe. Who better then, to face the Phoenix? His mission is to get close enough to Phoenix to make and emotional connection that will bring Jean to the waking surface. Once there, he hopes that Jean can regain control and make Phoenix stop her wave of utter destruction.
In the scene, Wolverine must go through the proverbial gauntlet. He faces Phoenix and must endure waves of her destructive force. His skin burns away, and is immediately healed, only to be sheared away again as he ever so slowly gains inches closer to Phoenix. Once he is within hearing distance, he shouts to Jean and professes his eternal love and loyalty to her. He fights with every bit of emotional and physical strength he has trying to ignore the waves of hate and destruction that Phoenix is hurtling in his direction.
As he is almost close enough to touch her, a glimmer of Jean is seen in Phoenix's eyes. For a moment the raging apocalypse eases and Wolverine is able to reach Jean to hold her in his arms. In a moment of utter surrender, both Wolverine and Jean are encompassed in eachothers embrace. Phoenix is gone. All her destructive force is suddenly ended and there is a palatable peace that settles over everything. For one powerful moment, Jean has defeated the dark force within her using the love she shares with Wolverine.
Tragically, the battle has destroyed the human body that held Jean and Phoenix. Jean, enveloped in the love of Wolverine, breathes her last.
This powerful imagery, is what I use now to illustrate the battle I am fighting for the soul of my husband and my marriage. My husband's true self is Jean Gray and the addict self is the destructive Phoenix. Right now, I am in the midst of the addicts powerful waves of destruction. The addict knows nothing but self-preservation and the loyalty to the pursuit of power and pleasure. He will destroy all that stand in his way.
I am Wolverine. Armed with only the emotional strength that I've built for myself and the love I have for this man. I feel the pain of every attack and it nearly destroys me each time. However, I am determined to weather whatever destruction addict has in his arsenal. I know I can overcome it and finally reach my husband and envelope him in our love. Together, we can destroy addiction.
I know this will be an epic battle. It will require everything I possess to even attempt. My true husband is buried deep within, but I see glimmers of him and it give me hope and fills me with happiness. This hope and happiness is what I need to build my emotional bank account with. It has to be there to sustain me throughout the darkest hours, which I know are upon me and will be hitting me on and off throughout this endeavor.
If there is an element that is superior to adamantium, that, I know, is what MY soul is made of. So, life... BRING IT!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
The Addictive Personality
Ok, so I'm reading up on the subject and getting a great education on the subject of "addictive personalities."
I'm quoting from "The Addictive Personality" by Craig Nekken.
"Addiction is an emotional relationship with an object or event, through which addicts try to meet their needs for intimacy."
So, this section caught my attention because intimacy is the central problem my husband and I have. In reality, although it has come to a head lately, intimacy has been a struggle for us for 10 years. I have held back my trust and always kept a small percentage of myself in check and have not exposed myself completely to my husband. This stems from an innate lack of trust I have for the men in my relationships. I was betrayed and abandoned in my first serious relationship, and I have had serious trouble with intimacy and trust ever since.
The key for me was the realization that sense memories of a very dark time in my life were being triggered by these fleeting encounters with marijuana. The mere smell of it brought back feelings of betrayal, stress from abuse and threatened abuse as well as humiliation. I thought long and hard about it and realized that by husband was not committing these acts against me himself, but the association with marijuana made him the vehicle for those very real feelings to resurface.
Another key aspect of this book is the presentation of 2 separate entities in addiction which the author refers to as "Self" and "Addict." The Self is that real, soul-filled, capable of intimate connection and creative love that is in constant battle with the Addict, who is the pleasure/power seeker that will justify and rationalize everything to act out. The Addict has no need for people and will seek to isolate the Self from introspection and intimacy with others.
So the things I have to work on are:
- Releasing myself from the sense memories associated with marijuana (this includes the smell, sight and sound - words and idiomatic expressions that bring up negative feelings.
- Seek therapy for the emotional injuries I have sustained in the past, so that I don't keep revisiting them and trying to project that onto my husband.
- Recognize when my husband is Self and when he is Addict, so that I can nurture Self as much as possible when I have the opportunity. Also to deal with Addict, so that he doesn't further injure me.
My husband does struggle, because I have become aware whenever Self or Addict surface. I have to work hard not to get angry and frustrated when Addict is out and systematically destroying our intimacy. I see Self deep within struggling for control, but afraid and beaten up. Addict is powerful and mean, but he's no match for me. The battle will be ugly and bloody.
I've thought of a wonderful visual analogy for this, which I will publish in a separate post.
I'm quoting from "The Addictive Personality" by Craig Nekken.
"Addiction is an emotional relationship with an object or event, through which addicts try to meet their needs for intimacy."
So, this section caught my attention because intimacy is the central problem my husband and I have. In reality, although it has come to a head lately, intimacy has been a struggle for us for 10 years. I have held back my trust and always kept a small percentage of myself in check and have not exposed myself completely to my husband. This stems from an innate lack of trust I have for the men in my relationships. I was betrayed and abandoned in my first serious relationship, and I have had serious trouble with intimacy and trust ever since.
The key for me was the realization that sense memories of a very dark time in my life were being triggered by these fleeting encounters with marijuana. The mere smell of it brought back feelings of betrayal, stress from abuse and threatened abuse as well as humiliation. I thought long and hard about it and realized that by husband was not committing these acts against me himself, but the association with marijuana made him the vehicle for those very real feelings to resurface.
Another key aspect of this book is the presentation of 2 separate entities in addiction which the author refers to as "Self" and "Addict." The Self is that real, soul-filled, capable of intimate connection and creative love that is in constant battle with the Addict, who is the pleasure/power seeker that will justify and rationalize everything to act out. The Addict has no need for people and will seek to isolate the Self from introspection and intimacy with others.
So the things I have to work on are:
- Releasing myself from the sense memories associated with marijuana (this includes the smell, sight and sound - words and idiomatic expressions that bring up negative feelings.
- Seek therapy for the emotional injuries I have sustained in the past, so that I don't keep revisiting them and trying to project that onto my husband.
- Recognize when my husband is Self and when he is Addict, so that I can nurture Self as much as possible when I have the opportunity. Also to deal with Addict, so that he doesn't further injure me.
My husband does struggle, because I have become aware whenever Self or Addict surface. I have to work hard not to get angry and frustrated when Addict is out and systematically destroying our intimacy. I see Self deep within struggling for control, but afraid and beaten up. Addict is powerful and mean, but he's no match for me. The battle will be ugly and bloody.
I've thought of a wonderful visual analogy for this, which I will publish in a separate post.
Can You Trust Again?
I'm on my usual see saw of emotions this weekend. Husband is home and spending time with the kids. Their idea of spending time together is very different from mine. They veg together on the couch and watch TV or play video games. Lately, he's been playing baseball outside with them, but only after I made a big stink about it.
Every time I want to show him affection, or just be nice in general, it's always tempered by the nagging voice that keeps chanting, "He's the lying liar who lies! Don't get too close! Back off and protect what is precious from the beast who destroys!"
Can I trust him again? I owe it to myself and the kids to try whatever needs to be done to rebuild the trust - or in this case, build trust in the first place. What awaits me in this process? The revelation of other truths that will pierce me like a sword? I have to be ready for anything. He has to be ready for my wrath, my disappointment, etc.
The central debate over Marijuana has yet to commence. I am armed with data and the latest news on the issue. I'm even reading up on "addictive personality" and trying to place myself in his metaphorical shoes.
Every time I want to show him affection, or just be nice in general, it's always tempered by the nagging voice that keeps chanting, "He's the lying liar who lies! Don't get too close! Back off and protect what is precious from the beast who destroys!"
Can I trust him again? I owe it to myself and the kids to try whatever needs to be done to rebuild the trust - or in this case, build trust in the first place. What awaits me in this process? The revelation of other truths that will pierce me like a sword? I have to be ready for anything. He has to be ready for my wrath, my disappointment, etc.
The central debate over Marijuana has yet to commence. I am armed with data and the latest news on the issue. I'm even reading up on "addictive personality" and trying to place myself in his metaphorical shoes.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
It's the End of "This" Marriage
John Gottman, psychologist and author, says he can predict with 92% accuracy whether or not a couple will end up in divorce after observing their conversation for as little as five minutes. He claims to be able to do this through scientific and well-documented case studies of over 900 couples over a period of 22 years.
So, I used Dr. Gottman's relationship survey to asses the situation of my own marriage. After answering all the questions as honestly as I could, it can be determined that this is the end of this marriage. "Divorce is just a matter of time..." when one or both people disengage emotionally from the marriage. These are the four indications of emotional disengagement:
1. You see your marital problems as "severe." (check)
2. Talking things over seems useless. You try to solve problems on your own. (check)
3. You start leading parallel lives. (check)
4. Loneliness has set in. (check)
So, I've come to this harsh realization and am rolling back and forth between feelings of ambivalence to feelings of profound sadness to feelings of excited anticipation. I'm sad for the life I thought I had. I miss the sexy, mysterious man that turned my world upside down. I yearn for that closeness that we once had. I'm also ambivalent. I recall the betrayals, the belligerence, and the contempt he has shown and I just shrug. So, it's come to this? Yeah, well, then we all must move on.
Then I'm sometimes hit with a twang of nervous tummy butterflies imagining what wonderful, exciting life awaits at the end of this journey. Will my marriage to this man be saved and our relationship invigorated? That would be wonderful. Will we eventually separate, then divorce and I tumble into the arms of the next great love adventure in my life? That would be wonderful too. Honestly, this pendulum of emotions are exhausting!
I do acknowledge that with the current state of our union, this marriage is on its last legs. The last 2 years, and the latest betrayal has left us both emotionally disengaged from each other. We have abandoned the fight instinct and are now in mid-flight from the pain. So, it is the end of this marriage. I will properly mourn it.
As of this post, the butterflies are dancing in my belly. I'm sure I'll be somewhere else in a few minutes, but for now, I shall enjoy this.
So, I used Dr. Gottman's relationship survey to asses the situation of my own marriage. After answering all the questions as honestly as I could, it can be determined that this is the end of this marriage. "Divorce is just a matter of time..." when one or both people disengage emotionally from the marriage. These are the four indications of emotional disengagement:
1. You see your marital problems as "severe." (check)
2. Talking things over seems useless. You try to solve problems on your own. (check)
3. You start leading parallel lives. (check)
4. Loneliness has set in. (check)
So, I've come to this harsh realization and am rolling back and forth between feelings of ambivalence to feelings of profound sadness to feelings of excited anticipation. I'm sad for the life I thought I had. I miss the sexy, mysterious man that turned my world upside down. I yearn for that closeness that we once had. I'm also ambivalent. I recall the betrayals, the belligerence, and the contempt he has shown and I just shrug. So, it's come to this? Yeah, well, then we all must move on.
Then I'm sometimes hit with a twang of nervous tummy butterflies imagining what wonderful, exciting life awaits at the end of this journey. Will my marriage to this man be saved and our relationship invigorated? That would be wonderful. Will we eventually separate, then divorce and I tumble into the arms of the next great love adventure in my life? That would be wonderful too. Honestly, this pendulum of emotions are exhausting!
I do acknowledge that with the current state of our union, this marriage is on its last legs. The last 2 years, and the latest betrayal has left us both emotionally disengaged from each other. We have abandoned the fight instinct and are now in mid-flight from the pain. So, it is the end of this marriage. I will properly mourn it.
As of this post, the butterflies are dancing in my belly. I'm sure I'll be somewhere else in a few minutes, but for now, I shall enjoy this.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Leah: The Interesting Dilemma
I shall call her Leah. She is an old friend of the family, a respected healthcare provider, a much-loved figure in her world, and my newest, most interesting dilemma.
At the tender age of 19, she got a job working for my father-in-law at his private medical practice. She was just a receptionist. Fast forward nearly 30 years and she is now one of the physicians in the very same practice. She put herself through medical school and made a significant contribution to my father-in-law's practice all at the same time.
I met her just a couple of years after my husband and I first started living together. I remember conversing with her briefly at our wedding, and being pleased at all the nice things she had to say about my new husband and his family. Over the ensuing years, I learned more about her and who she was to the family and business. I grew to respect and honor her as a woman and friend. And then, my husband took over the practice.
Suddenly, I discovered things about Leah that blew away all my previous perceptions of who she was. She began to engage me regularly as a friend and we would go out together to bond. These experiences left me more and more uncomfortable and bewildered. The truth about Leah now completely infuriates me, distresses me and breaks my heart. I am in a true quandary. What shall I do with this information? How does this affect the new stresses within my marriage. Did she play a significant part in the demise of my husband? If so, how can I continue to let her get away with it?
The first sign of danger came one night when Leah and I were together at dinner. It was just the two of us and we were ranting about my father-in-law and his impending retirement from the practice. She professed how much she would miss him. No surprise there. I knew and understood how close they had become over the years. Then she said something that shocked me. She described my father in law as being "everything" to her. She said, ".... he is my father, brother, teacher, student, friend, lover, confidant, etc..."
The word that gave me pause was, "lover." WHAT?!?!? Had she had a sexual affair with my husband's father and just admitting it to me now? I pressed her by uttering some questioning over the use of the word, "lover." I said, "... when you say, "lover," surely you don't mean it in a literal sense??" I asked with the overly polite tone of incredulity that I thought would evoke the expected denial and reassurance of fidelity on the part of my father-in-law.
What she said next, changed my world.
She said that although the relationship never became sexual, she is without a doubt the closest person to my father-in-law in the world. She bragged that he shared things with her that he would never and has never shared with his own wife. She essentially assured me that she is the number one, emotional and intellectual soul mate of my father-in-law's life. She was so proud. She was so confident and at peace with everything she was saying.
Undoubtedly, she assumed that I would understand and even be pleased, since it was my mother-in-law after all that was on the losing side of this scenario. My mother-in-law, whom I have had the typical conflicts, and have expressed as somewhat of a nemesis. I'm sure that it never occurred to the irrepressible Leah that I would take the position of the betrayed wife, rather than the victorious daughter-in-law with something finally on her hardest won fan.
I tried to express my dismay through the airwaves. We were in a public place and it was a restaurant that she frequented. She was well known and loved here, and my suddenly throwing a drink in her face would not have gone over well. I uttered a few words like, "... how is that even possible?" But, she did not pick up on the emotional cues that were practically vibrating all over me. That's when I realized, she can't empathize with me.
All this time I had assumed that she shared the gift of empathy that made my father-in-law such a superb doctor. He could literally feel the air pressure around you and figure you out in seconds. Many times I observed him with my children and could see how he would skillfully attend to their needs as if he was in their heads. I note this only because connecting with my kids is a skill I thought I alone possessed. Yet, here he was connecting and understanding my children in as much an intimate way as I could - as if he too gave birth to them.
I knew that this was his gift. Why he was so good at what he did and why he was so loved and admired by his patients and co-workers. He is a gifted empath. Empathy is a skill I have honed only now in my last couple of years, in order to be a better mother. I could see that empathy was a tool that my father-in-law employed to gain the wisdom, trust and expertise it took to diagnose medical conditions.
Empathy was something very clearly lacking in Leah. She was almost like the character Dexter from the popular cable series. Dexter is a sociopath that intellectually decided he would try to blend into normal society. He lacked the empathic/sympathetic connections that most normal people have. However, he was unusually clever at intellectually calling upon the proper behavioral responses to appear normal to other people. A true sociopath.
Leah is a sociopath. I only uncovered this trait because of the series of interactions I've had with her in which I try with all my might to express emotional distress while presenting a poised front. Most people would see right through it, and some more sensitive people would feel the same distress I was feeling. She felt none of it. She only reflected the arrogance and confidence that she THOUGHT I was feeling at her revelation.
What the hell am I to do with this information? It is critical for my husband to know what is up. Does he even have a clue or will he be the next "victim?" Will she commandeer his loyalties away from me in the same insidious way she had with my father and mother-in-law before us? Am I too late?
In the next blog. Leah over steps her bounds.
At the tender age of 19, she got a job working for my father-in-law at his private medical practice. She was just a receptionist. Fast forward nearly 30 years and she is now one of the physicians in the very same practice. She put herself through medical school and made a significant contribution to my father-in-law's practice all at the same time.
I met her just a couple of years after my husband and I first started living together. I remember conversing with her briefly at our wedding, and being pleased at all the nice things she had to say about my new husband and his family. Over the ensuing years, I learned more about her and who she was to the family and business. I grew to respect and honor her as a woman and friend. And then, my husband took over the practice.
Suddenly, I discovered things about Leah that blew away all my previous perceptions of who she was. She began to engage me regularly as a friend and we would go out together to bond. These experiences left me more and more uncomfortable and bewildered. The truth about Leah now completely infuriates me, distresses me and breaks my heart. I am in a true quandary. What shall I do with this information? How does this affect the new stresses within my marriage. Did she play a significant part in the demise of my husband? If so, how can I continue to let her get away with it?
The first sign of danger came one night when Leah and I were together at dinner. It was just the two of us and we were ranting about my father-in-law and his impending retirement from the practice. She professed how much she would miss him. No surprise there. I knew and understood how close they had become over the years. Then she said something that shocked me. She described my father in law as being "everything" to her. She said, ".... he is my father, brother, teacher, student, friend, lover, confidant, etc..."
The word that gave me pause was, "lover." WHAT?!?!? Had she had a sexual affair with my husband's father and just admitting it to me now? I pressed her by uttering some questioning over the use of the word, "lover." I said, "... when you say, "lover," surely you don't mean it in a literal sense??" I asked with the overly polite tone of incredulity that I thought would evoke the expected denial and reassurance of fidelity on the part of my father-in-law.
What she said next, changed my world.
She said that although the relationship never became sexual, she is without a doubt the closest person to my father-in-law in the world. She bragged that he shared things with her that he would never and has never shared with his own wife. She essentially assured me that she is the number one, emotional and intellectual soul mate of my father-in-law's life. She was so proud. She was so confident and at peace with everything she was saying.
Undoubtedly, she assumed that I would understand and even be pleased, since it was my mother-in-law after all that was on the losing side of this scenario. My mother-in-law, whom I have had the typical conflicts, and have expressed as somewhat of a nemesis. I'm sure that it never occurred to the irrepressible Leah that I would take the position of the betrayed wife, rather than the victorious daughter-in-law with something finally on her hardest won fan.
I tried to express my dismay through the airwaves. We were in a public place and it was a restaurant that she frequented. She was well known and loved here, and my suddenly throwing a drink in her face would not have gone over well. I uttered a few words like, "... how is that even possible?" But, she did not pick up on the emotional cues that were practically vibrating all over me. That's when I realized, she can't empathize with me.
All this time I had assumed that she shared the gift of empathy that made my father-in-law such a superb doctor. He could literally feel the air pressure around you and figure you out in seconds. Many times I observed him with my children and could see how he would skillfully attend to their needs as if he was in their heads. I note this only because connecting with my kids is a skill I thought I alone possessed. Yet, here he was connecting and understanding my children in as much an intimate way as I could - as if he too gave birth to them.
I knew that this was his gift. Why he was so good at what he did and why he was so loved and admired by his patients and co-workers. He is a gifted empath. Empathy is a skill I have honed only now in my last couple of years, in order to be a better mother. I could see that empathy was a tool that my father-in-law employed to gain the wisdom, trust and expertise it took to diagnose medical conditions.
Empathy was something very clearly lacking in Leah. She was almost like the character Dexter from the popular cable series. Dexter is a sociopath that intellectually decided he would try to blend into normal society. He lacked the empathic/sympathetic connections that most normal people have. However, he was unusually clever at intellectually calling upon the proper behavioral responses to appear normal to other people. A true sociopath.
Leah is a sociopath. I only uncovered this trait because of the series of interactions I've had with her in which I try with all my might to express emotional distress while presenting a poised front. Most people would see right through it, and some more sensitive people would feel the same distress I was feeling. She felt none of it. She only reflected the arrogance and confidence that she THOUGHT I was feeling at her revelation.
What the hell am I to do with this information? It is critical for my husband to know what is up. Does he even have a clue or will he be the next "victim?" Will she commandeer his loyalties away from me in the same insidious way she had with my father and mother-in-law before us? Am I too late?
In the next blog. Leah over steps her bounds.
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