Make Believe You're Brave, and the Trick Will Take You Far

This process is bringing to the surface, long buried memories from my past. As I was filling out the Gottman questionnaire, it would hit me in waves. Amazing clarity of these memories is both fascinating and frightening. I'm remembering things as if they happened yesterday. Complete with the physical effects! How can this be? What an amazing thing the human brain is!

I'm remembering things, not only from my "dark ages," that is the times immediately after the birth of my first son, when I was between the ages of 17 and 20. I was tested to the limits of my being, having to deal with new motherhood and an unfaithful, drug addicted, alcohol abusing boyfriend/husband. I am also remembering things from my far away youth!

I remember when I was about 8 or 9 years old. I had a petrifying fear of being by myself anywhere outside my house. I felt uncomfortable and near panic even standing in our front yard with no one else there with me. I remember distinctly being filled with dread when I was in the car as it was parked in our driveway. My dad and I were going somewhere and we had both gotten in the car together. My dad suddenly remembered something he had to go back into the house for. He left me in the car alone, while he ran in to get it.

I was in a total panic. When he returned, he found me in a rage and crying uncontrollably. He apologized for leaving me alone, even if it was just barely a minute. I was overcome with waves of relief that he was there and anger at him for having left me alone in the first place. It was immediately following that I saw the movie "The King and I" on TV. One of the numbers was a song about courage, and it inspired me. I told myself that I would try to overcome this fear of being left alone.

I was only 9 years old, but I embarked on a mission of "self help," in which I would deliberately expose myself to situations in which I would have to be alone. I was determined to go through the experiences to practice exercising "courage." It seems so silly now, but I wanted to see if I could start by pretending to be brave and then expose myself to frightening situations and surviving them.

I used the song as a guide for my self-inflicted cognitive behavioral therapy.

Whenever I feel afraid
I hold my head erect
And whistle a happy tune
So no one will suspect
I'm afraid.

While shivering in my shoes
I strike a careless pose
And whistle a happy tune
And no one ever knows
I'm afraid.

The result of this deception
Is very strange to tell
For when I fool the people
I fear I fool myself as well!

I whistle a happy tune
And ev'ry single time
The happiness in the tune
Convinces me that I'm not afraid.

Make believe you're brave
And the trick will take you far.
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are

You may be as brave
As you make believe you are

I whistle a happy tune
And ev'ry single time
The happiness in the tune
Convinces me that I'm not afraid.

Make believe you're brave
And the trick will take you far.
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are....

This belief system helped me to overcome my irrational fear of being left alone anywhere. It totally worked and I went on to be 10 years old and fearless. In some twisted way, it also caused me to be destructive to my current marriage. I was working under the same belief system based on inaccurate information. For so long, I assumed that my husband, in this my 3rd marriage, had the same M.O. as my first husband.

This important difference was lost on me for so long. My husband now is not a selfish, and cruel person that takes pleasure in seeing me miserable. He is not intimidated by my intelligence and independence and strength, the way my first husband was. In fact, my husband now is extraordinarily proud of those very traits in me. Yet, I somehow equated him with my first husband whenever I felt vulnerable or angry.

My work is to first recognize the reality of any situation with my husband and not to project unhealed injuries from my past to infiltrate their way into our current issues. Then, I have to work on building, rather than destroying or cutting and running as soon as things get frustrating.

This is my work and it will be a long haul.