Ok, so I'm reading up on the subject and getting a great education on the subject of "addictive personalities."
I'm quoting from "The Addictive Personality" by Craig Nekken.
"Addiction is an emotional relationship with an object or event, through which addicts try to meet their needs for intimacy."
So, this section caught my attention because intimacy is the central problem my husband and I have. In reality, although it has come to a head lately, intimacy has been a struggle for us for 10 years. I have held back my trust and always kept a small percentage of myself in check and have not exposed myself completely to my husband. This stems from an innate lack of trust I have for the men in my relationships. I was betrayed and abandoned in my first serious relationship, and I have had serious trouble with intimacy and trust ever since.
The key for me was the realization that sense memories of a very dark time in my life were being triggered by these fleeting encounters with marijuana. The mere smell of it brought back feelings of betrayal, stress from abuse and threatened abuse as well as humiliation. I thought long and hard about it and realized that by husband was not committing these acts against me himself, but the association with marijuana made him the vehicle for those very real feelings to resurface.
Another key aspect of this book is the presentation of 2 separate entities in addiction which the author refers to as "Self" and "Addict." The Self is that real, soul-filled, capable of intimate connection and creative love that is in constant battle with the Addict, who is the pleasure/power seeker that will justify and rationalize everything to act out. The Addict has no need for people and will seek to isolate the Self from introspection and intimacy with others.
So the things I have to work on are:
- Releasing myself from the sense memories associated with marijuana (this includes the smell, sight and sound - words and idiomatic expressions that bring up negative feelings.
- Seek therapy for the emotional injuries I have sustained in the past, so that I don't keep revisiting them and trying to project that onto my husband.
- Recognize when my husband is Self and when he is Addict, so that I can nurture Self as much as possible when I have the opportunity. Also to deal with Addict, so that he doesn't further injure me.
My husband does struggle, because I have become aware whenever Self or Addict surface. I have to work hard not to get angry and frustrated when Addict is out and systematically destroying our intimacy. I see Self deep within struggling for control, but afraid and beaten up. Addict is powerful and mean, but he's no match for me. The battle will be ugly and bloody.
I've thought of a wonderful visual analogy for this, which I will publish in a separate post.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Can You Trust Again?
I'm on my usual see saw of emotions this weekend. Husband is home and spending time with the kids. Their idea of spending time together is very different from mine. They veg together on the couch and watch TV or play video games. Lately, he's been playing baseball outside with them, but only after I made a big stink about it.
Every time I want to show him affection, or just be nice in general, it's always tempered by the nagging voice that keeps chanting, "He's the lying liar who lies! Don't get too close! Back off and protect what is precious from the beast who destroys!"
Can I trust him again? I owe it to myself and the kids to try whatever needs to be done to rebuild the trust - or in this case, build trust in the first place. What awaits me in this process? The revelation of other truths that will pierce me like a sword? I have to be ready for anything. He has to be ready for my wrath, my disappointment, etc.
The central debate over Marijuana has yet to commence. I am armed with data and the latest news on the issue. I'm even reading up on "addictive personality" and trying to place myself in his metaphorical shoes.
Every time I want to show him affection, or just be nice in general, it's always tempered by the nagging voice that keeps chanting, "He's the lying liar who lies! Don't get too close! Back off and protect what is precious from the beast who destroys!"
Can I trust him again? I owe it to myself and the kids to try whatever needs to be done to rebuild the trust - or in this case, build trust in the first place. What awaits me in this process? The revelation of other truths that will pierce me like a sword? I have to be ready for anything. He has to be ready for my wrath, my disappointment, etc.
The central debate over Marijuana has yet to commence. I am armed with data and the latest news on the issue. I'm even reading up on "addictive personality" and trying to place myself in his metaphorical shoes.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
It's the End of "This" Marriage
John Gottman, psychologist and author, says he can predict with 92% accuracy whether or not a couple will end up in divorce after observing their conversation for as little as five minutes. He claims to be able to do this through scientific and well-documented case studies of over 900 couples over a period of 22 years.
So, I used Dr. Gottman's relationship survey to asses the situation of my own marriage. After answering all the questions as honestly as I could, it can be determined that this is the end of this marriage. "Divorce is just a matter of time..." when one or both people disengage emotionally from the marriage. These are the four indications of emotional disengagement:
1. You see your marital problems as "severe." (check)
2. Talking things over seems useless. You try to solve problems on your own. (check)
3. You start leading parallel lives. (check)
4. Loneliness has set in. (check)
So, I've come to this harsh realization and am rolling back and forth between feelings of ambivalence to feelings of profound sadness to feelings of excited anticipation. I'm sad for the life I thought I had. I miss the sexy, mysterious man that turned my world upside down. I yearn for that closeness that we once had. I'm also ambivalent. I recall the betrayals, the belligerence, and the contempt he has shown and I just shrug. So, it's come to this? Yeah, well, then we all must move on.
Then I'm sometimes hit with a twang of nervous tummy butterflies imagining what wonderful, exciting life awaits at the end of this journey. Will my marriage to this man be saved and our relationship invigorated? That would be wonderful. Will we eventually separate, then divorce and I tumble into the arms of the next great love adventure in my life? That would be wonderful too. Honestly, this pendulum of emotions are exhausting!
I do acknowledge that with the current state of our union, this marriage is on its last legs. The last 2 years, and the latest betrayal has left us both emotionally disengaged from each other. We have abandoned the fight instinct and are now in mid-flight from the pain. So, it is the end of this marriage. I will properly mourn it.
As of this post, the butterflies are dancing in my belly. I'm sure I'll be somewhere else in a few minutes, but for now, I shall enjoy this.
So, I used Dr. Gottman's relationship survey to asses the situation of my own marriage. After answering all the questions as honestly as I could, it can be determined that this is the end of this marriage. "Divorce is just a matter of time..." when one or both people disengage emotionally from the marriage. These are the four indications of emotional disengagement:
1. You see your marital problems as "severe." (check)
2. Talking things over seems useless. You try to solve problems on your own. (check)
3. You start leading parallel lives. (check)
4. Loneliness has set in. (check)
So, I've come to this harsh realization and am rolling back and forth between feelings of ambivalence to feelings of profound sadness to feelings of excited anticipation. I'm sad for the life I thought I had. I miss the sexy, mysterious man that turned my world upside down. I yearn for that closeness that we once had. I'm also ambivalent. I recall the betrayals, the belligerence, and the contempt he has shown and I just shrug. So, it's come to this? Yeah, well, then we all must move on.
Then I'm sometimes hit with a twang of nervous tummy butterflies imagining what wonderful, exciting life awaits at the end of this journey. Will my marriage to this man be saved and our relationship invigorated? That would be wonderful. Will we eventually separate, then divorce and I tumble into the arms of the next great love adventure in my life? That would be wonderful too. Honestly, this pendulum of emotions are exhausting!
I do acknowledge that with the current state of our union, this marriage is on its last legs. The last 2 years, and the latest betrayal has left us both emotionally disengaged from each other. We have abandoned the fight instinct and are now in mid-flight from the pain. So, it is the end of this marriage. I will properly mourn it.
As of this post, the butterflies are dancing in my belly. I'm sure I'll be somewhere else in a few minutes, but for now, I shall enjoy this.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Leah: The Interesting Dilemma
I shall call her Leah. She is an old friend of the family, a respected healthcare provider, a much-loved figure in her world, and my newest, most interesting dilemma.
At the tender age of 19, she got a job working for my father-in-law at his private medical practice. She was just a receptionist. Fast forward nearly 30 years and she is now one of the physicians in the very same practice. She put herself through medical school and made a significant contribution to my father-in-law's practice all at the same time.
I met her just a couple of years after my husband and I first started living together. I remember conversing with her briefly at our wedding, and being pleased at all the nice things she had to say about my new husband and his family. Over the ensuing years, I learned more about her and who she was to the family and business. I grew to respect and honor her as a woman and friend. And then, my husband took over the practice.
Suddenly, I discovered things about Leah that blew away all my previous perceptions of who she was. She began to engage me regularly as a friend and we would go out together to bond. These experiences left me more and more uncomfortable and bewildered. The truth about Leah now completely infuriates me, distresses me and breaks my heart. I am in a true quandary. What shall I do with this information? How does this affect the new stresses within my marriage. Did she play a significant part in the demise of my husband? If so, how can I continue to let her get away with it?
The first sign of danger came one night when Leah and I were together at dinner. It was just the two of us and we were ranting about my father-in-law and his impending retirement from the practice. She professed how much she would miss him. No surprise there. I knew and understood how close they had become over the years. Then she said something that shocked me. She described my father in law as being "everything" to her. She said, ".... he is my father, brother, teacher, student, friend, lover, confidant, etc..."
The word that gave me pause was, "lover." WHAT?!?!? Had she had a sexual affair with my husband's father and just admitting it to me now? I pressed her by uttering some questioning over the use of the word, "lover." I said, "... when you say, "lover," surely you don't mean it in a literal sense??" I asked with the overly polite tone of incredulity that I thought would evoke the expected denial and reassurance of fidelity on the part of my father-in-law.
What she said next, changed my world.
She said that although the relationship never became sexual, she is without a doubt the closest person to my father-in-law in the world. She bragged that he shared things with her that he would never and has never shared with his own wife. She essentially assured me that she is the number one, emotional and intellectual soul mate of my father-in-law's life. She was so proud. She was so confident and at peace with everything she was saying.
Undoubtedly, she assumed that I would understand and even be pleased, since it was my mother-in-law after all that was on the losing side of this scenario. My mother-in-law, whom I have had the typical conflicts, and have expressed as somewhat of a nemesis. I'm sure that it never occurred to the irrepressible Leah that I would take the position of the betrayed wife, rather than the victorious daughter-in-law with something finally on her hardest won fan.
I tried to express my dismay through the airwaves. We were in a public place and it was a restaurant that she frequented. She was well known and loved here, and my suddenly throwing a drink in her face would not have gone over well. I uttered a few words like, "... how is that even possible?" But, she did not pick up on the emotional cues that were practically vibrating all over me. That's when I realized, she can't empathize with me.
All this time I had assumed that she shared the gift of empathy that made my father-in-law such a superb doctor. He could literally feel the air pressure around you and figure you out in seconds. Many times I observed him with my children and could see how he would skillfully attend to their needs as if he was in their heads. I note this only because connecting with my kids is a skill I thought I alone possessed. Yet, here he was connecting and understanding my children in as much an intimate way as I could - as if he too gave birth to them.
I knew that this was his gift. Why he was so good at what he did and why he was so loved and admired by his patients and co-workers. He is a gifted empath. Empathy is a skill I have honed only now in my last couple of years, in order to be a better mother. I could see that empathy was a tool that my father-in-law employed to gain the wisdom, trust and expertise it took to diagnose medical conditions.
Empathy was something very clearly lacking in Leah. She was almost like the character Dexter from the popular cable series. Dexter is a sociopath that intellectually decided he would try to blend into normal society. He lacked the empathic/sympathetic connections that most normal people have. However, he was unusually clever at intellectually calling upon the proper behavioral responses to appear normal to other people. A true sociopath.
Leah is a sociopath. I only uncovered this trait because of the series of interactions I've had with her in which I try with all my might to express emotional distress while presenting a poised front. Most people would see right through it, and some more sensitive people would feel the same distress I was feeling. She felt none of it. She only reflected the arrogance and confidence that she THOUGHT I was feeling at her revelation.
What the hell am I to do with this information? It is critical for my husband to know what is up. Does he even have a clue or will he be the next "victim?" Will she commandeer his loyalties away from me in the same insidious way she had with my father and mother-in-law before us? Am I too late?
In the next blog. Leah over steps her bounds.
At the tender age of 19, she got a job working for my father-in-law at his private medical practice. She was just a receptionist. Fast forward nearly 30 years and she is now one of the physicians in the very same practice. She put herself through medical school and made a significant contribution to my father-in-law's practice all at the same time.
I met her just a couple of years after my husband and I first started living together. I remember conversing with her briefly at our wedding, and being pleased at all the nice things she had to say about my new husband and his family. Over the ensuing years, I learned more about her and who she was to the family and business. I grew to respect and honor her as a woman and friend. And then, my husband took over the practice.
Suddenly, I discovered things about Leah that blew away all my previous perceptions of who she was. She began to engage me regularly as a friend and we would go out together to bond. These experiences left me more and more uncomfortable and bewildered. The truth about Leah now completely infuriates me, distresses me and breaks my heart. I am in a true quandary. What shall I do with this information? How does this affect the new stresses within my marriage. Did she play a significant part in the demise of my husband? If so, how can I continue to let her get away with it?
The first sign of danger came one night when Leah and I were together at dinner. It was just the two of us and we were ranting about my father-in-law and his impending retirement from the practice. She professed how much she would miss him. No surprise there. I knew and understood how close they had become over the years. Then she said something that shocked me. She described my father in law as being "everything" to her. She said, ".... he is my father, brother, teacher, student, friend, lover, confidant, etc..."
The word that gave me pause was, "lover." WHAT?!?!? Had she had a sexual affair with my husband's father and just admitting it to me now? I pressed her by uttering some questioning over the use of the word, "lover." I said, "... when you say, "lover," surely you don't mean it in a literal sense??" I asked with the overly polite tone of incredulity that I thought would evoke the expected denial and reassurance of fidelity on the part of my father-in-law.
What she said next, changed my world.
She said that although the relationship never became sexual, she is without a doubt the closest person to my father-in-law in the world. She bragged that he shared things with her that he would never and has never shared with his own wife. She essentially assured me that she is the number one, emotional and intellectual soul mate of my father-in-law's life. She was so proud. She was so confident and at peace with everything she was saying.
Undoubtedly, she assumed that I would understand and even be pleased, since it was my mother-in-law after all that was on the losing side of this scenario. My mother-in-law, whom I have had the typical conflicts, and have expressed as somewhat of a nemesis. I'm sure that it never occurred to the irrepressible Leah that I would take the position of the betrayed wife, rather than the victorious daughter-in-law with something finally on her hardest won fan.
I tried to express my dismay through the airwaves. We were in a public place and it was a restaurant that she frequented. She was well known and loved here, and my suddenly throwing a drink in her face would not have gone over well. I uttered a few words like, "... how is that even possible?" But, she did not pick up on the emotional cues that were practically vibrating all over me. That's when I realized, she can't empathize with me.
All this time I had assumed that she shared the gift of empathy that made my father-in-law such a superb doctor. He could literally feel the air pressure around you and figure you out in seconds. Many times I observed him with my children and could see how he would skillfully attend to their needs as if he was in their heads. I note this only because connecting with my kids is a skill I thought I alone possessed. Yet, here he was connecting and understanding my children in as much an intimate way as I could - as if he too gave birth to them.
I knew that this was his gift. Why he was so good at what he did and why he was so loved and admired by his patients and co-workers. He is a gifted empath. Empathy is a skill I have honed only now in my last couple of years, in order to be a better mother. I could see that empathy was a tool that my father-in-law employed to gain the wisdom, trust and expertise it took to diagnose medical conditions.
Empathy was something very clearly lacking in Leah. She was almost like the character Dexter from the popular cable series. Dexter is a sociopath that intellectually decided he would try to blend into normal society. He lacked the empathic/sympathetic connections that most normal people have. However, he was unusually clever at intellectually calling upon the proper behavioral responses to appear normal to other people. A true sociopath.
Leah is a sociopath. I only uncovered this trait because of the series of interactions I've had with her in which I try with all my might to express emotional distress while presenting a poised front. Most people would see right through it, and some more sensitive people would feel the same distress I was feeling. She felt none of it. She only reflected the arrogance and confidence that she THOUGHT I was feeling at her revelation.
What the hell am I to do with this information? It is critical for my husband to know what is up. Does he even have a clue or will he be the next "victim?" Will she commandeer his loyalties away from me in the same insidious way she had with my father and mother-in-law before us? Am I too late?
In the next blog. Leah over steps her bounds.
The Winner: Marijuana
It's all about marijuana right now. All this was because I discovered a huge stash of pot in the garage. This after years and years of denial that he's smoking again. I just wanted honesty! If he's addicted and can't give it up, why not just tell me that? Why agree to stopping, promise me over and over again that he's not doing it, and then build a web of lies to cover it up?
The marijuana issue is PURE IDIOCY! If he had a sound justification for smoking it, then why not present it? Why not hash it out like 2 logical, intelligent adults?
Yes, I have a "policy." My disapproval of smoking pot is not on moral grounds. In fact, I see nothing immoral about smoking pot. I even find it less harmful to ones health as smoking cigarettes. I disapprove of it on legal grounds alone. Men and women in law enforcement risk their lives to uphold the law that makes marijuana illegal for distribution and recreational use.
I remember being in 8th grade and attending the funeral of my classmate's father. He was an officer of the LAPD and was shot to death by a man, who was trying to protect his stash of MJ from the law. Idiocy! He wasn't even a dealer. He had just purchased his supply for the month/week, and he had it behind a couple of magazines on a bookshelf. Because of domestic disturbance, my classmate's father answered the call and decided he needed to enter the residence to assess the situation. The man panicked at the thought of a cop in the house where the 3 dime bags of pot sitting on the book shelf and decided to just shoot at the officer.
My friend's father died in the hospital a few hours later. All over 3 dime bags. He was the youngest of 3 brothers and his father was the world to him. My heart ached for him and his family that day. I wept uncontrollably, just imagining some guy shooting my father just for doing his job. It haunts me to this day, that the marijuana did that to my friend. If marijuana was legal, then the man would not have had a second thought about letting a cop in the house. After all, dime bags on the book shelf would have been no bigger a deal than 3 bottles of Johnny Walker in the fridge? But, because of its legal status, the dime bags took on a power that caused a man to take a life. A precious life that is lost forever.
So how does one reconcile the recreational enjoyment of marijuana while it is illegal? How does one reconcile that behavior as a parent to ones impressionable children? How does one risk the reputation of themselves and their family in the community if it was ever discovered that one was engaged in criminal behavior? Shouldn't it give one pause?
Or is marijuana that good? Is it that important to have in one's life that all that simply does not matter?
Is marijuana worth the sacrifice of having an honest and intimate relationship with one's spouse? Am I automatically rendered insignificant simply because I'm on the "other side" of the debate over marijuana? Is marijuana more important than me to my husband?
The answer is YES. I'm nothing compared to this weed. I am but a footnote in the life and existence of my husband. Marijuana is the center of his universe and the one true love that he protects above all. This is a battle I have lost and a war that easily levels me.
Marijuana has won. I have lost.
The marijuana issue is PURE IDIOCY! If he had a sound justification for smoking it, then why not present it? Why not hash it out like 2 logical, intelligent adults?
Yes, I have a "policy." My disapproval of smoking pot is not on moral grounds. In fact, I see nothing immoral about smoking pot. I even find it less harmful to ones health as smoking cigarettes. I disapprove of it on legal grounds alone. Men and women in law enforcement risk their lives to uphold the law that makes marijuana illegal for distribution and recreational use.
I remember being in 8th grade and attending the funeral of my classmate's father. He was an officer of the LAPD and was shot to death by a man, who was trying to protect his stash of MJ from the law. Idiocy! He wasn't even a dealer. He had just purchased his supply for the month/week, and he had it behind a couple of magazines on a bookshelf. Because of domestic disturbance, my classmate's father answered the call and decided he needed to enter the residence to assess the situation. The man panicked at the thought of a cop in the house where the 3 dime bags of pot sitting on the book shelf and decided to just shoot at the officer.
My friend's father died in the hospital a few hours later. All over 3 dime bags. He was the youngest of 3 brothers and his father was the world to him. My heart ached for him and his family that day. I wept uncontrollably, just imagining some guy shooting my father just for doing his job. It haunts me to this day, that the marijuana did that to my friend. If marijuana was legal, then the man would not have had a second thought about letting a cop in the house. After all, dime bags on the book shelf would have been no bigger a deal than 3 bottles of Johnny Walker in the fridge? But, because of its legal status, the dime bags took on a power that caused a man to take a life. A precious life that is lost forever.
So how does one reconcile the recreational enjoyment of marijuana while it is illegal? How does one reconcile that behavior as a parent to ones impressionable children? How does one risk the reputation of themselves and their family in the community if it was ever discovered that one was engaged in criminal behavior? Shouldn't it give one pause?
Or is marijuana that good? Is it that important to have in one's life that all that simply does not matter?
Is marijuana worth the sacrifice of having an honest and intimate relationship with one's spouse? Am I automatically rendered insignificant simply because I'm on the "other side" of the debate over marijuana? Is marijuana more important than me to my husband?
The answer is YES. I'm nothing compared to this weed. I am but a footnote in the life and existence of my husband. Marijuana is the center of his universe and the one true love that he protects above all. This is a battle I have lost and a war that easily levels me.
Marijuana has won. I have lost.
Ambivalence
I decided not to decide. The discovery of the betrayal is a source of lingering trauma for me and I am unable to see clearly at times.
It's not the pot that makes me mad. It's the lies about the pot. I have begged for honesty, and never got it. Is this our original dishonesty coming to roost? We started out lying about our relationship. We started out as an affair. Is the dishonesty coming full circle? Why should I be so surprised at being lied to?
There were warning signs for 10 years that he had not quit smoking. Why had I ignored all those signals and tried to believe that he sincerely wanted to quit and had quit? Why hadn't it occurred to me that he was trying to find a way to have his cake and eat it too? Why does it so surprise and hurt me that he is unable to chose me over marijuana?
I've only decided that I would take a new course of action. I would not immediately leave (physically or emotionally). I would stay and play wife and mother. In exchange, he would provide for me financially. I would continue to live and spend as I always had - maybe even a bit more. Then, I decided that I would return to school on his dime.
I want to get my degree and go far beyond. I want to get a Masters or a Doctorate. In what? I don't know? Psychology? Journalism? I just want to go for it. No more excuses. Yes, it will be tough with both kids and parents to look after, but I'll just have to do it all. I'll just have to do it all.
If I fail, then at least people will blame it on the fact that I tried to do too much, and not that I never tried at all. I can hear them saying, "she was taking care of a whole house, all the kids and her parents all while going to school and starting a business." I want the looks of compassion and understanding and validation for the "super woman" I tried to be.
So, can I just consider him my "benefactor?" No sex, no emotional involvement. I just "play wife." Just like Katherine Parr, the 6th wife of Henry VIII. She did her part to keep her head. I'll do my part to play the perfect, most supportive wife to the outside world. The inside world will be emotional detachment and celibacy until a decision can be made about the future of this marriage.
So, in the state of ambivalence, I shall exist. In the meantime, I barely speak 2 words to him. Attempts at affection are tolerated, and gently rejected. The message must be clear - THINGS ARE NEVER GOING TO BE THE SAME BETWEEN US. I don't even dare bring up Adam, Lisa or any of the other issues as it may disturb the placid surface of ambivalence.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Betrayal
It's the "new infidelity." There hasn't been a pronounced or explicit sexual affair with another woman, but I still wouldn't put it past him. The fact remains that he lied boldly to my face.
Timing could not have been worse. It's been almost 3 years since I first identified a pressing need for 3rd party marital intervention. I had poured my feelings out, as most women do, on paper, in person and repeatedly. Only to be met with aloofness, forgetfulness and sometimes, belligerence. Luckily, I have all the emails saved over the years. Just in case someone needs the evidence, that I have really tried to ask for what I need in as clear terms as I could muster.
"... quality time to be together..."
"... set aside time and place to be a couple again..."
"... time for ourselves, without the kids..."
"... rediscover intimacy, in between work and parenting..."
All gone ignored. A date or two would be set. However it was never the well-thought-out night or weekend away that I was always hoping for. It was always some rushed early dinner, usually announced at the last minute and lasting barely an hour before we'd come back home to slip right back into our "separate" lives.
Baby 4 was just turning one year old, when the "funkiness" started to happen. He was very aloof. He was unusually quiet and distracted. He avoided me like the plague. I immediately suspected an affair. My gut was screaming it. I approached him on several occasions only to be reassured that it was just stress at work, etc.
One morning I noticed he had taken a big swig of Vodka at 7:30 in the morning. I confronted him in the backyard and refused to back away until he came clean about what was bothering him so much. He finally revealed that he was feeling the stress of losing patients. He was not accustomed to the death surrounding oncology and was feeling unusually distressed about a certain patient that recently died.
Ok, it was iffy, but I chose to believe him at that point. Even though my gut was yelling at my head, "it's not true! He's still hiding something! Keep pushing for more info. That was not all of it!"
"WHEN YOU WITHHOLD INFORMATION AND KEEP SECRETS, YOU CREATE WALLS THAT ACT AS BARRIERS TO THE FREE FLOW OF THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS THAT INVIGORATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP."
Secrecy was at the heart of the matter. He was keeping a secret that was eroding our intimacy. I knew it was there, and I couldn't put my finger on it. Part of me wanted to believe I was just crazy, but my instinct was telling me that I had but uncovered the very tiny tip of an iceberg.
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