Ambivalence

I decided not to decide. The discovery of the betrayal is a source of lingering trauma for me and I am unable to see clearly at times.

It's not the pot that makes me mad. It's the lies about the pot. I have begged for honesty, and never got it. Is this our original dishonesty coming to roost? We started out lying about our relationship. We started out as an affair. Is the dishonesty coming full circle? Why should I be so surprised at being lied to?

There were warning signs for 10 years that he had not quit smoking. Why had I ignored all those signals and tried to believe that he sincerely wanted to quit and had quit? Why hadn't it occurred to me that he was trying to find a way to have his cake and eat it too? Why does it so surprise and hurt me that he is unable to chose me over marijuana?

I've only decided that I would take a new course of action. I would not immediately leave (physically or emotionally). I would stay and play wife and mother. In exchange, he would provide for me financially. I would continue to live and spend as I always had - maybe even a bit more. Then, I decided that I would return to school on his dime.

I want to get my degree and go far beyond. I want to get a Masters or a Doctorate. In what? I don't know? Psychology? Journalism? I just want to go for it. No more excuses. Yes, it will be tough with both kids and parents to look after, but I'll just have to do it all. I'll just have to do it all.

If I fail, then at least people will blame it on the fact that I tried to do too much, and not that I never tried at all. I can hear them saying, "she was taking care of a whole house, all the kids and her parents all while going to school and starting a business." I want the looks of compassion and understanding and validation for the "super woman" I tried to be.

So, can I just consider him my "benefactor?" No sex, no emotional involvement. I just "play wife." Just like Katherine Parr, the 6th wife of Henry VIII. She did her part to keep her head. I'll do my part to play the perfect, most supportive wife to the outside world. The inside world will be emotional detachment and celibacy until a decision can be made about the future of this marriage.

So, in the state of ambivalence, I shall exist. In the meantime, I barely speak 2 words to him. Attempts at affection are tolerated, and gently rejected. The message must be clear - THINGS ARE NEVER GOING TO BE THE SAME BETWEEN US. I don't even dare bring up Adam, Lisa or any of the other issues as it may disturb the placid surface of ambivalence.