Betrayal

It's the "new infidelity." There hasn't been a pronounced or explicit sexual affair with another woman, but I still wouldn't put it past him. The fact remains that he lied boldly to my face.

Timing could not have been worse. It's been almost 3 years since I first identified a pressing need for 3rd party marital intervention. I had poured my feelings out, as most women do, on paper, in person and repeatedly. Only to be met with aloofness, forgetfulness and sometimes, belligerence. Luckily, I have all the emails saved over the years. Just in case someone needs the evidence, that I have really tried to ask for what I need in as clear terms as I could muster.

"... quality time to be together..."

"... set aside time and place to be a couple again..."

"... time for ourselves, without the kids..."

"... rediscover intimacy, in between work and parenting..."

All gone ignored. A date or two would be set. However it was never the well-thought-out night or weekend away that I was always hoping for. It was always some rushed early dinner, usually announced at the last minute and lasting barely an hour before we'd come back home to slip right back into our "separate" lives.

Baby 4 was just turning one year old, when the "funkiness" started to happen. He was very aloof. He was unusually quiet and distracted. He avoided me like the plague. I immediately suspected an affair. My gut was screaming it. I approached him on several occasions only to be reassured that it was just stress at work, etc.

One morning I noticed he had taken a big swig of Vodka at 7:30 in the morning. I confronted him in the backyard and refused to back away until he came clean about what was bothering him so much. He finally revealed that he was feeling the stress of losing patients. He was not accustomed to the death surrounding oncology and was feeling unusually distressed about a certain patient that recently died.

Ok, it was iffy, but I chose to believe him at that point. Even though my gut was yelling at my head, "it's not true! He's still hiding something! Keep pushing for more info. That was not all of it!"

"WHEN YOU WITHHOLD INFORMATION AND KEEP SECRETS, YOU CREATE WALLS THAT ACT AS BARRIERS TO THE FREE FLOW OF THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS THAT INVIGORATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP."

Secrecy was at the heart of the matter. He was keeping a secret that was eroding our intimacy. I knew it was there, and I couldn't put my finger on it. Part of me wanted to believe I was just crazy, but my instinct was telling me that I had but uncovered the very tiny tip of an iceberg.